Let Your Little Light Shine

Photo by Scott Carver

The moon was phenomenal last night. It was big, it was full, and just beautiful. Since I don't have a clue how to take a picture of it worth showing to anyone (and of course, no camera), I borrowed a similar image from a friend.

I found myself actually hoping for a blackout, so I could see just how brightly it was shining.  Then I remembered - the moon doesn't shine. It reflects it's light off the sun. Oh yeah. I'm supposed to do that too, only my light is a reflection of the Son, not the sun. The sun's light just make my skin glow and turn red. But the Son's light, it chases away the darkness and burns deep into my soul. The difference is, the Son's light can penetrate so deeply within me that I begin to shine as well. I guess this kind of a Son burn is good for you.

Sometimes, in the daylight the moon is still visible, but it never shines as bright as the sun. And the Son will always shine brighter that those He is reflecting off of. We have to remember that when we think our own light is shining. We don't have our own light. We are full of darkness until the light of the Son comes in. So sit in the light of the Son for a while, and then go out and shine!

The "Perfect Storm"

As promised, here are some answers to some frequently asked questions.

What exactly did I have?

Pneumococcal Bacterial Meningitis - a very resistant strain, I'm told.

How did I get it?

There really isn't a definitive answer to this question, but almost everyone carries this bacteria in their nose/throat. If you are in situations where there are a lot of people in a confined space and your immune system is compromised by something like an ear infection, sinus infection, or you are overly tired, your body doesn't fight the bacteria like it normally would. It is very common in college students. Most likely, I was worn out from all the walking and lack of sleep, and also coming down with something. Most likely I contracted it in the hospital in Romania. Basically, it was the "perfect storm".

What do I remember?

I was not feeling well the night before we left. My right ear was plugged and I was praying for it to clear up because having any part of your head plugged on a plane is not fun. I didn't get much sleep that night (none of us did) and it was still bothering me as we loaded to go to the airport. I had a slight headache which I figured had to do with the lack of sleep - which is a common symptom for me.

When we got to the airport Tuesday morning, the headache was worse, and my neck was hurting, which I thought had to do with sleeping on the way to the airport. I tried some caffeine and some ibuprofen, but neither seemed to work. Tried some peppermint oil once we were at the gate waiting to board, but that also didn't work.

I remember getting on the plane and being in a row by myself. When the seat belt light went off, I slid over and put my feet up on the seats and went to sleep. I remember food being served and being asked to sit up for landing. Things start to get blurry here. I remember one of the team talking to me and me trying to answer but I couldn't. I remember finally being able to get across the aisle to her, and not being able to move very well. I remember the flight crew NOT helping at all, but wanting us off the plane. I remember getting off the plane to the outside (not in the terminal). I know people were asking me questions and I knew the answers but I couldn't form the words.

Then, I remember nothing until what I think was the next day in the hospital, although time was a bit off for me for the first 48 hours or so.

Did anyone else get sick?

Thankfully, no. This isn't the kind of disease you can just get from each other. The conditions have to be exact. Once they knew which strain I had (from a lumbar puncture), the rest of the team knew they didn't have it if they didn't have a fever.

Was I scared?

No. Not that I remember anyway. I could have been scared that first day, but I really don't remember. I knew that I wasn't alone - that God was with me and that He didn't send me to Romania to change the world just so I could be lost in some hospital in France.

What else do you remember?

I remember seeing Chad and Ali come to see me and wanting to talk to them so badly, but unable to speak the words I wanted to. I remember sleeping and waking up so many times, that by the time I was able to talk to them I asked them what day it was, thinking I had been there for about a week, when it had only been a couple of days. Time moved so slowly.

I remember being tied down, and being so frustrated with that. I remember at one point just crying and the nurse looking at me, and just turning out the light and leaving me alone in the room.

One of the doctors asked if I knew where I was and I said hospital. They asked was country and I knew I was in Paris, but I couldn't remember if it was France or French. I think I said French. I think he laughed.

I don't remember the first lumbar puncture, but the second one was quite memorable. They had me sitting up (even though I wasn't strong enough to do so). I was leaning on a pillow and they realized that wasn't enough so they had me hold on to a nurse. All was going well until the nurse passed out! I think I squeezed her too hard.

I remember a severe headache and neck ache.

By Thursday, Ali and Chad brought me my Bible and a book and a notepad. I was feeling so much better and able to answer and ask questions. I was so thankful they were there with me. I don't know what I would have done without them.

What was God teaching me?

This one I'm still working on. I kept holding on to certain promises and going back to them in the Bible and reading and re-reading.

God calls all of us to the same thing: The Lord has told you what is good, and this is what he requires of you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God. ~ Micah 6:8

He promises to be with us:

Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
I have called you by name; you are mine.
When you go through deep waters,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume you.
For I am the Lord, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. ~ Isaiah 43:1-3

He promises to hear us when we are obedient:

Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?
Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter-when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
Then you will call, and the LORD will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I. ~ Isaiah 58:6-9

He works everything out:
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. ~ Romans 8:28

During my third lumbar puncture, I remember just thanking God for sending Jesus to die for me. I was in the hospital for 2 weeks, and I was in a lot of pain for much of that time, but it was nothing compared to what Jesus suffered for me, for you, for the world. A couple of times they hit a nerve or something and my legs kicked out involuntarily. I wondered how many times that happened to Him as he was being beaten and crucified. I am so thankful.

Why did this happen?

A great question to which there may not be an answer for a long time. I kept thinking about Paul, and all that he went through for the Kingdom: shipwrecks, snake bites, beatings, stonings, imprisonment - but nothing would stop him. He knew what he was called to do and he just kept doing it, despite the opposition. I want to live my life like that.

Some of the doctors have told me I was just "lucky". Not a word I would use to describe it, but I get what they are saying. I really was just part of the perfect storm - the conditions were "right".

Will I go again?

This is a tough question to answer. I don't specifically feel called to Romania, but not because I got sick there. The experience there was amazing, and it really opened my eyes to the needs of orphans in the world. I don't know what it looks like yet, but I know God is leading me to serve in this area in some way.

How am I now?

I went to the doctor the day after I got back. She sent me to an Infectious Disease doctor the following morning. He said I was treated properly and that I don't need any more treatment for the Meningitis and didn't need to see him again at all. The next morning, I woke up with a rash all over my body - and it was itchy. Went back to my doctor first thing and while I was there got really weak and my blood pressure was very low. She sent me to the ER. By the time I got there, my BP was normal and I was feeling much better. They gave me IV fluids and steroids and Benedryl for the rash. I was there for a few hours and went home with a prescription for steroids and Benedryl. I took the last of the steroid today but I still have the rash so I'll be contacting the doctor again tomorrow to see what's up with that.

I still have some hearing loss in my right ear, but it's a lot better than it was when I left France. I see a specialist on May 2 to see if there is any permanent damage. I believe that I will be completely healed of that too.

That's a lot of information for one post - sorry about that. Feel free to ask any other questions I may have missed. I'm getting stronger every day. God really is the God of miracles.

You Paint the Sky...

Last summer I saw some of the most amazing skies. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get a good picture of any of them. Either I was driving, or I didn't have my camera, or I just couldn't get the shot like I wanted to.
I remember asking God to give me the chance to take a picture of one so I could show of his handy work. He reminded me that His reaching out to me is for me. It's His way of talking with me, one on one. His way of showing me things greater than myself.
I took the upper left photo this past week while driving to work. Just a quick snap with my phone. It's not even close to what it really looked like, but I like it anyway. Once again, I was reminded that the sky God painted was for my eyes - His way of telling me he loves me.

The photo to the right, I also took this week. No, it's not a black and white shot. It was just a gray day. The sun hasn't shown itself in a few days, and that was really starting to get to me. So I thought I'd take a quick pic with my phone and share how unfair it is that the sky has been so gloomy and the rain has been coming down and on and on and on. But once again, I was reminded by that still small voice, that God still painted the sky for me. It's just on that particular day, he chose gray paint.

He again reminded me that even when things aren't going great, and the colors I see aren't vibrant and he doesn't do things the way I want him to, He's still God. He still makes the best choices. I know so little and He knows all. What I see as trouble, or uncomfortable, or unpleasant, He sees as a way to make me grow - to make me draw near to Him - to become more and more like Him. In His eyes, the sky is just as beautiful in the second picture - maybe even more so - because He used it to change my heart, and to further transform my character to be in line with His.

Footprints

It snowed last week. I know. Hard to believe, isn't it? Walking in from lunch one day I noticed all the footprints and it got me thinking. So of course, I snapped a picture with my phone.

To look at the whole picture, all I see is chaos. People going every which way on their way to an appointment or a meeting or just to get to their desk to start their day or their car on their way home. But amidst the chaos, each set of footprints is a part of someone's story. Each person has a past, a present, and a future. Each step taken was representation of that person, who in that moment chose to love or to hate, to laugh or to cry, to come or to go.

But what they couldn't choose was the fact that each step left an impact when they left it. A footprint as a reminder they were there. Even though today, as I walked that same sidewalk, the evidence of their presence is no longer there, they made a difference in that place in that moment.

That's how we are to be, as salt and light in the world. The tiniest bit of salt can change the way something tastes or melt the snow. The tiniest bit of light begins to chase away the darkness as soon as it shines. I think sometimes I get caught up in trying to make this lasting impact that will change someone's life forever. But all I can really control is this moment. I don't know what will happen in their life as soon as I walk away, hang up, or log out. I can only really make a difference right here, and right now. That's why we have to be present in every moment, and not be so worried about other things. It's too much pressure to change a life forever. Only God can do that. All I can do is listen to the Spirit, and follow His lead. Then maybe, just maybe, my own life will be changed in that moment as well.

The Noise in My Head

Here's a little update of what's out loud in my head.

This morning, I woke up like this (click on the pictures to see them better):

After some time in the Word, a few encouraging conversations, and a lot of prayer, the noise changed to something beautiful:

It's not a perfect picture, because I'm not perfect. But with the right tools, what used to be clanging of pots and pans disguised as music can turn into a beautiful symphony.